Getting Your Ex Back: A 13-Step Guide

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Breakups are hard, even when they’re mutual. But they’re even more heartbreaking when only one is still invested in the relationship. Fortunately, couples can get back together after a breakup and rebuild their relationship. Our guide addresses how to get your ex back and the essential steps needed for a successful reconciliation.

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Should You Get Your Ex Back?

Before taking steps toward reconciliation, you must decide whether you should be getting back together with an ex in the first place. In making this critical decision, you should not be swayed by others telling you what you should do.

Considerations

Before thinking about how to win back your ex, consider why you want to reconcile by doing some soul searching and identifying why you want your ex back. And remember, loneliness and fear of being alone aren’t healthy reasons to get back together.

Next, consider the reason for the breakup. If you broke up because of a misunderstanding, a lack of communication, or a simple argument, you could consider getting back together. But if you broke up because of repeated infidelity, abuse, or other red flags in your relationship, you shouldn’t be thinking about reconciliation.

If you’ve identified the right reasons for reconciliation, you could begin thinking about ‘how to get my ex back’. If you believe that you and your ex can be happy together and have a healthy relationship, you should work on reuniting.

DID YOU KNOW? The most common breakup reasons include unacceptable behaviour, cheating, misdirected anger, and lack of support—matters that could be temporary and changed for the better. So not all is lost if you break up for one of these reasons.

How to Get Your Ex Back: A Step-By-Step Guide

Once you’ve realised that you wish to get back with your ex (for the right reasons), you probably can’t wait to get things started. But rushing into action is not the right course of action—time and patience are pivotal when trying to win someone back. So if you want your endeavour to succeed, consider the following 13 steps.

Give Them Space

Getting over a breakup is undoubtedly difficult, and you may want to know how to win your ex back as soon as possible. But this is not the way to go. You must give your ex-partner space to figure out how they feel and what they want. The distance (physical and emotional) will also allow you to manage your emotions—you don’t want to seem desperate when you eventually reconnect.

Work on Yourself

Instead of wallowing in grief, focus on yourself and reaffirm your self-esteem, which is an opportunity to address anything you may not like about yourself or improve some aspect of your personality or appearance. If you’re eager to know how to make your ex want you back, show that you know your value and are capable of change for the better.

Stay Active

Whatever you do, don’t dawdle. It’s imperative to stay physically and socially active during the ‘no contact’ period. You could start exercising or attending that yoga class you’ve had your eye on. By staying physically active, you’ll have less time and energy to think about your problems—a busy body means a quiet mind. Surround yourself with family, friends, or colleagues. Don’t spend your days alone in bed, ruminating on what was and will be.

Think of Solutions

When pondering how to get an ex back, focus on the practical aspects of the situation. Identify and assess the severity of the problems you had and think of solutions that will resolve your issues and make your relationship better this time around. You shouldn’t take any further steps until you’ve thought things through and developed a game plan.

Grab Their Attention

Before you re-establish contact, grab your ex’s attention by reconnecting with their family and friends or posting cheerful, happy content on social media. When they see you’re doing well, you’ll pique their interest, and they may reach out before you do.

Initiate Contact

How to win someone back includes the crucial step of initiating contact via text. (Phone calls and meetups might be too much at this stage.) Send a short message that will elicit a response—a question is a good start. If you don’t receive a response, DO NOT continue to send messages because this will make you seem desperate and will likely turn the person away.

Keep the Conversation Going

Once you’re back in contact, it’s essential to continue the conversation. Take things slowly, and don’t profess your love just yet—try to catch up. Test the waters to see whether your ex is merely being polite or genuinely interested in the conversation. If things are going well, start planning how to get back with your ex.

Tell Them How You Feel

After talking for a while, you may notice tell-tale signs that your ex wants to give things another go. At this point, you should tell your ex that you still have feelings for them and that you would like to give it another try.

There are two possible scenarios: they tell you immediately that they’re not interested or say they’re willing to talk. Of course, you hope for the latter. If they want to talk, it’s best to do it in person.

Set a Date

In learning how to get your ex boyfriend back (or girlfriend), remember that one of the critical steps in the reconciliation process is the initial meeting. When choosing a location for your first date, don’t go overboard—avoid candlelit dinners and crowded places. Schedule the meeting somewhere private, where you can sit down, talk, and focus only on one another.

Address the Issue

It’s tempting to start catching up or reminiscing right away, especially when you’ve been apart for a long time. But if you want to win back your ex and rekindle your romance, you must slow down and have that difficult (honest) conversation. How to win back an ex then includes a serious talk about the issues that drove you apart.

Whether it was a lack of communication or commitment issues, you must address them and be willing to work on resolving them. And remember, commitment issues don’t always have to be a deal-breaker.

Keep Your Expectations at Bay

Your ex agreeing to meet up doesn’t mean that the encounter will end in a happily-ever-after scenario. Don’t expect too much from the first date, and don’t pressure your ex to decide on getting back together.

Avoid Physical Intimacy

When wondering how to win your ex girlfriend back (or boyfriend), remember that each individual is different. But one measure you must not take is to engage in physical intimacy when you first meet. Such displays of affection can influence your emotional response and make matters even more confusing. So to be on the safe side, avoid kissing, caressing, intimate hugging, and especially sex. You should avoid sexual intimacy until you know what’s happening between you both.

End on a Positive Note

Learning how to get your ex to want you back may seem complicated, but once you’ve met up in person, you’ll find a way to communicate and bond again. It’s of utmost importance, however, to end the date on a positive note. Share anecdotes from your past and reminisce on the good-ole days, which will remind them of what you had and what you could have again. This is the ideal way to end the first encounter if you want to move forward with your relationship.

DID YOU KNOW? Half of all couples (50%) get back together after a split. Studies have shown that almost all couples who give it another go had doubts about their breakup.

Move On Alone or Forward Together

Relationships don’t always work out. You may spend a lot of time thinking about how to get your ex girlfriend back (or boyfriend), but sadly sometimes to no avail.

Regardless of how hard you try, you cannot revive the relationship in some situations. If this happens to you, don’t let desperation consume you. Move on with your life, knowing you did everything you could. Live the single life until you find what you’re looking for, and always keep in mind that there’s someone better waiting for you.

Don’t relax too much if you find the magic solution to ‘how do I get my ex back’ and successfully reconcile. You still need to put in the effort to make the relationship work this time around. Reconciliation is a complex process, and you need to work on rebuilding trust and intimacy. Just because you have a shared history won’t make all your problems disappear.

During the initial period of every reconciliation, both partners need to be fully dedicated to making things work if they want to reap the benefits later. And if things don’t work out in the end, you can consider staying friends with your ex—just not right away.

DID YOU KNOW? Hugging your significant other can relieve feelings of stress. When you hug your partner, the hormone oxytocin is released into the bloodstream, lowering stress levels and boosting your mood.

Final Words

Many former couples want to know how to get him or her back after a breakup. The good news is that getting back together with an old flame is possible. Our guide aims to help you reconcile with your ex by following our 13-step process.

FAQ

How do I make my ex want me back?

The best way to attract your former partner back is by showing them that you’re an independent person capable of change and growth. And when they see you living your best life, they may want you back.

Can you really get your ex back?

Almost anyone can get their ex back. But how to get your ex boyfriend (or girlfriend) back when he broke up with you is often determined by dealing with the reasons for your breakup.

What should I say to get my ex back?

When trying to win back an ex, you could get the conversation going by asking questions and waiting for a response—often determined by the flow of the conversation.

How do you know if your ex will come back to you?

Though our guide addresses how to get your ex back, there’s no guarantee you’ll accomplish this, even if you’ve done everything right. And if they do come back, there’s no assurance you’ll stay together in the long run.

ABOUT AUTHOR

I've loved writing since I can remember, and back in high school, I started loving psychology as well. So I majored in it while dabbling in spirituality and yoga on the side.

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